Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
