im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize