Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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