Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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