maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize