I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
