got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
