I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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