I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
