How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My pussy is not your playground.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
