i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
