New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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