I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
