Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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