how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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