A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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