so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
