I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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