Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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