what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
