my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i barfeds in our rink
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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