I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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