u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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