So drunk, too bad you don't want this
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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