I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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