We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
