break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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