So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
