his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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