Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
