my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
