I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
