hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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