i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
