i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
