She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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