You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just cropdusted the office
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
