thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
