Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
