i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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