for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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