i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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