I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
