y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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