That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Randomize
