I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
