I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
