I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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