I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
