also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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