Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
