just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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