Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Randomize
