I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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