I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
