i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
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Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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