at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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