Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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